Hello, hello, dear reader.

Just an article I’m writing for fun because some of you sound like you think you would survive in the event of a zombie invasion. I would like to tell you, yes, you, darling reader, to know that you absolutely would not hold your own when the undead decide to visit us.

First of all, there could be hundreds of them at a time. And you don’t have a makeshift machete or a chainsaw on hand, and even if you did, you don’t know how to wield one safely without cutting your leg off. You need a clean shot to the brain to effectively kill the zombie. But even then, it is one of the undead, so who knows if it’ll keep kicking after the brain is destroyed. I would say take a bullet to their head, but most of you haven’t even held a gun before in your lives, so you’d most likely have to be a couple of feet from the zombie to get a shot at point-blank range. If you do manage to knock one down, always ALWAYS shoot them again in the head for good measure. Always double-tap so that it doesn’t come back.

You do not have a machine gun lying around in your house. And one will not spawn near your location once the apocalypse starts. A viable option is to just hide away in your basement and pray none of them find you. And afterwards, who knows what you have to do to stay safe? Sticking to shadows while going on supply runs.

Depending on the kind of zombie, these guys could just full sprint at you if they’re in range. If you encounter a horde, you’re done. You’re not fighting your way out of that.

My prediction is that most of us would be zombies before we could get to the dystopian survivalist part of the apocalypse. Most of us would be the first to go. It would be easy to get overwhelmed in a school that doesn’t have any way to prevent zombies (besides the security guards if they have guns on their person).

And when you’re NOT fighting zombies, you’d better know how to find food or get up the courage to scavenge the local Wal-Mart. Even if you DO make it far enough to where most of humanity is zombi-fied, you won’t survive long without a stable food and water source.

And then there’s the problem of not being able to have a doctor. If you get infected with something (not even zombie-related but equally dangerous), you have to take care of it yourself, and unless you’re studying to be a nurse, you’re done for.

A good way to have a fighting chance in the zombie apocalypse is to grab as much food and medical items as you can, so you can clean and bandage any injuries. Next is to grab yourself a good melee and ranged weapon that you can handle, just to defend yourself. Don’t go picking fights with hordes of zombies; it will not end well for you.

If we’re talking self-preservation, if you’re sibling or family member has been bitten, you need to put them out of their misery. End them painlessly so that they do not suffer, turning into a zombie and infecting the rest of the family. In this hypothetical situation, they would not be cured in time. Do not try to be a hero. If an entire horde is going after a person, no matter who it is, don’t try to save them. You will not be able to effectively without hurting yourself or them. If you think you’re able-bodied enough, you can try if it’s a couple of zombies. Any more than that, it’s best not to bother.

You will lose people in the apocalypse. The apocalypse will take a toll on your mental health. Some of you are aware enough to realize you have a very slim chance of surviving. But others think they might be able to squeak out a win. Think smart. Don’t make any unnecessary sacrifices.

I know that I would never be able to make it far in the apocalypse. So if we ever do find ourselves in a zombie takeover, hopefully we go out in a not-embarrassing way. What do you think? How well would you fare in the apocalypse? Do comment your thoughts. I’m interested in what you have to say.